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Title: Stop The Bullies
Word Count: 991
Author: Gary Crow
Category: Home & Family
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Gary Crow
http://www.leadershipvillage.com
Stop The Bullies
"I just want the bullying to stop. That is all I ever
wanted. I used to love going to school. Now I hate it." --
Verity Ward
What is a bully? When does the typical behavior of children
(younger and older) stop being normal and expected and
transcend to bullying? Those seem like fairly easy
questions and they used to have fairly easy answers. We
used to know which children were bullies and were
reasonably clear about when normal behavior crossed the
line into bullying, but no more.
What is a bully? That is a child who frightens or tries to
dominate other children by threatening or intimidating
them. Bullies use threats or implied threats to compel or
deter behavior, compliance, or whatever else the bully
wants.
Fundamentally, bullying is a psychological strategy used to
exercise power and control over other children. The bully
may need to occasionally follow through with the implied
threat to maintain credibility but only does that when the
victim is clearly weaker. For the most part, though, the
threat remains implied.
There are, of course, children who are violent and whose
aggression is not mediated by social norms, values, and
interpersonal influences. Their interest is not in
intimidating and controlling. Rather they attack anything
or anyone who stands between them and what they want,
whenever they want it. They are truly dangerous but the
behavior is not bullying. It may be a product of severe
emotional disturbance, socialization and life experience,
or a myriad of other factors. Whatever the cause, to call
it bullying is to miss its significance. These children are
a very real menace to other children and to the community.
Bullies may use physical threats or intimidation as in, "If
you don't comply with my wishes, I will hurt you."
They may use positional intimidation as in, "If you don't
comply with my wishes, I will tell on you, get you in
trouble, get other people to reject you… and I can do that
because I am in a position to be more credible than you."
They may use personal intimidation as in, "If you don't
comply with my wishes, I won't like you, won't hang around
with you, won't be your boyfriend/girlfriend..."
Bullying ranges from mild and occasional to serious and
chronic and for some children, it may evolve into more
violent behavior. For most children who bully, though, the
tendency may continue into adolescence and adult adjustment
but does not go beyond bullying and persisting use of
intimidation strategies and approaches with people who are
not in a position to do much about it.
That was the easy answer to the "What is a bully?"
question. The more difficult answer is to the secondary
question, "Which children are bullies?" It would seem that
we would only need to identify those children who frighten
or try to dominate other children by threatening or
intimidating them but it is no longer that simple.
Within society in general and schools in particular,
bullying has become a major focus for concern, discussion,
educational emphasis, and disciplinary intervention. This
is likely prompted by much more attention to youth
violence, well-publicized tragedies in schools and
communities, and an insidious discomfort with and fear of
young people. Whatever the origin of the increased emphasis
and whether it is warranted or unwarranted, there is an
unintended but nonetheless unfortunate outcome. The use of
the bullying concept is expanding to include more and more
children. Behavior that was previously seen as normal and
as part of the typical development and socialization of
children is being redefined as bullying and thus as
deviant. Normal children who are struggling with normal
social and emotional issues are being reclassified as
having behavior and adjustment problems that require a
variety of adult interventions.
The problem with this expanding inclusion of more and more
children into the bully circle is twofold. First, children
whose development and adjustment are quite normal and
healthy as they struggle along the often confusing and
conflicting path to adulthood are confronted with the added
pressure of being classified as bullies and being treated
as if there is something wrong with them. They need
support, guidance, and direction but do not need or benefit
from being grouped with children who do need corrective
intervention.
Second, by expanding the definition and concept, children
who do frighten or try to dominate other children by
threatening or intimidating them and who need corrective
intervention get less attention and focus. Additionally,
their behavior is interpreted as more deviant than when the
bully concept was understood more narrowly. When large
numbers of children who do not frighten or try to dominate
other children by threatening or intimidating them are
included, those who do are immediately more deviant than
most members of the group. Instead of being bullies, they
are now the "worst case" bullies. In that position, they
are likely to be punished more severely and treated less
sympathetically than they would have been before the bully
concept expanded.
The result of this is that far too many children are being
counseled and subjected to interventions they do not need
and find confusing. At the same time, children who do need
thoughtful and careful evaluation and intervention are
being treated with a punitive and harmful degree of
insensitivity that may exacerbate their adjustment problems
instead of correcting them.
Everyone would do well to refer to a child as a bully only
if he (or she) repeatedly frightens or dominates other
children by threatening or intimidating them. The majority
of children who occasionally are insensitive,
inconsiderate, rood, inappropriate, socially and
emotionally hurtful, negatively impulsive, and who
sometimes have bad judgment and are not very nice need to
stay in the "normal kid" classification where they receive
the firm and understanding support and guidance they need
and deserve, without being seen either by adults or by
themselves or other children as deviant.
----------------------------------------------------
For more articles by Gary Crow, visit
http://www.LeadershipVillage.com
or http://www.ParentsLead.com
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